Welp. I don’t know why, but it’s been an emotional battlefield lately. I’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions at the same time and I didn’t know why. I felt lonely, hurt, frustrated, and etc. Others may say it was kind of sad how I didn’t know who to turn to at the time, but it was a good practice to turn to God during my most vulnerable time. He loves it when I go to Him for help instead of trying to find comfort from other people or things in this world. I didn’t have a well-thought speech about how I was feeling and what I was going through. Most of my words were: “It hurts” and “I need help”. It’s better to be honest with God instead of trying to make everything fancy. He’s my Father and I can speak to Him like how I’d speak to my earthly father: comfortably and with respect.
Several minutes after, I was about to send one of my best friends this whole essay (it wasn’t really an essay, but the length was pretty long for a message) about how I couldn’t be their best friend anymore. It was weird and I really don’t know how it ended up like this, but after asking God if I should really do what I was about to do, I ended up deleting the “essay”. Instead, I sent a simple question. To my surprise that person replied quickly. I told them how I couldn’t sleep because our friendship has been on my mind and they told me that I’m thinking too much about it which was true. I was overthinking. It made me realize how I’ve been overthinking about so many things lately and it was either that or I was underthinking which hurt them when I told them I didn’t care when I really did. It was really unhealthy because I didn’t confront them about the hurtful things they’ve said and did to me. I would reciprocate how I felt at the time which they noticed how hostile I’ve become because it hurt them. My friend told me that I’ve been forceful with changing the course of our friendship because I told them that I needed some distance from them. It was unhealthy avoiding the problem within our friendship and I thought a little distance would help, but let’s be honest… I was trying to run away from the problem haha. I don’t know it was just difficult for me to let someone in my vulnerability. I usually don’t let people get this close to me because I didn’t have good experiences from the past of labeling certain people as my “best friends”. I can’t really let the past and my fear get in the way. I need to trust God and have faith in His plans for my life if I really want to grow. God won’t get me out of my problems instead He wants me to get through my problems because perseverance produces great faith. I want to become a better and stronger godly woman, but I need to stop overthinking or underthinking and let some things go and trust God however He wants things to be. I’m really thankful that my friend has enough patience for me and understands. I bet they’re tired of it though. You know who you are if you’re reading this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so complicated. Thank you for being a great friend. Thank you for being my best friend.