It’s so hard to open up to other people. I hate telling other people my problems because I don’t want to be annoying to them. It’s been really confusing and rough lately though. I’ve been experiencing things that I don’t want to. My mind’s been polluted with these negative thoughts that it’s making me really frustrated. I don’t know why this is happening to me. This happens a lot whenever I’m serving at church. For some reason, I would have random moments that I would have to walk out of the room to calm myself down. It’s really bad because it makes other people worry about me a lot. It’s the evil one playing with my heart and mind.
I’ve talked to people that I trusted about it in more detail and they’ve kept me accountable before I do anything I would regret. They’ve been really caring and I really appreciate them. I felt so much better being able to tell other people about what I was struggling with instead of going through it alone. It’s kind of sad though because I’ve been distant with other people and I haven’t been feeling like going out so I’ve been inside my room a lot lately. I would feel exhausted even if I didn’t do a lot that day and I wouldn’t go out of my way to talk to people, but would rather wait for them to talk to me. It’s so unusual because I’m usually not like this. Whenever I do things I usually enjoy, it would be boring to me and I would feel empty.
Honestly, I don’t know what triggered this, but I hope that it would go away soon. Everyone’s been asking me why I look so tired and if something was wrong. I miss being the radiant sunshine for them instead of being the party pooper. I know I can’t do this on my own so I need to find peace and strength from God. Only He can take away whatever is happening to me in a second and I know that God is bigger than my fears. Gosh, I really need to realize that the world God created is so big that my problems are so small compared to Him. I really love this quote by Corrie ten Boom:
“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God, you’ll be at rest.”
We need to remind ourselves that God is way bigger than anything – our hopes, dreams, fears, and etc. The strength of our faith is determined based on how big we perceive God compared to everything else.